PORT-AU-PRINCE — After hurricane Tomas ripped through Haiti, destroying some 5,000 houses and causing 18 million dollars in new damage, Haiti’s Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive announced on behalf of the National Assembly that Haiti will withdraw from its current hurricane season contract.

“Haiti had high hopes of making the natural disaster playoffs this season, but we’ve had an absolutely insane schedule,” said Bellerive. January’s 7.0-magnitude earthquake killed 250,000 people and left one million homeless.

In October, a cholera epidemic broke out killing hundreds and infecting thousands. The epidemic has yet to reach its peak. Foreign minister Marie Michele Rey supported the National Assembly’s heartbreaking decision. “At a certain point, it just gets unbelievable, and you just have to say, what the tanbou fey? and throw it in,” said Rey.

Puerto Rico’s governor Luis Fortuno was disappointed with Haiti’s decision but expressed understanding. “With Haiti out,” he said, “the remaining islands now have to accept higher winds and greater rain fall.”

Not everyone was as open to Haiti’s withdrawal. Questions of legality remain. Christopher Taylor of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said Haiti’s move was “unprecedented and clearly illegal.” Taylor acknowledged that Haiti has had a rough year but “a contract is a contract.” NOAA coordinates hurricane seasons years in advance. “At the very least,” said Taylor, “Haiti has to find a substitute to take its place.”

This week, Haiti’s National Assembly did just that. It nominated France to pick up the remainder of its hurricanes for the season. Haiti’s secretary of state Magali Comeau Bayard explained, “by picking up Haiti’s contract, France could work off some of $22 billion dollars it still owes Haiti.” The plan would be for Haiti’s allotment of hurricanes to be redirected to the Aquitane region of France, off the Atlantic coast

Michel Jobert, France’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, declared Haiti’s vote “unfortunate” and explained that the Aquitane region was too delicate an area due to its maize, carrots, strawberries, plums, grapes, oysters, and poultry for foie gras. Haiti’s secretary of state said that he would like some grapes. Jobert added that the thirteen medieval castles in Aquitaine “were a special treasure of France and couldn’t stand up against a category 3 storm any longer.” Jobert strongly recommended that Haiti nominate another former French colony, Gabon, Africa, as its contractual substitute.

Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive opts out of Haiti’s current hurricane contract.

Ben Jenson of the National Weather Service objected to the problems connected to a Haiti substitute. “Even if Haiti finds a suitable replacement, the logistics are extremely difficult. A good hurricane is an art form.” Jenson said the U.S. Air Force would have to get involved at a high level.

The 2010-2011 hurricane season in the Gulf of Mexico falls under the jurisdictional control of the U.S. Air Force’s High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP), Poker Flats, Alaska. HAARP’s Colonel Dennis Pitcher conceded that his office could reroute Haiti’s remaining hurricanes to Aquitane, France, but “Haiti would have to give up something serious in return.” Haiti’s National Assembly continues closed negotiations with HAARP but the sides have yet to reach an agreement.

Postscript: Wouldn’t  it be truly amazing if Haiti could simply “opt out” of earthquakes and hurricanes? If the unfortunate ones could simply check a box and never worry about malaria or cholera?  But that’s very much not the world we live in and the children of Haiti continue to be hammered by disease and pestilence.  One charity that is on the front lines of helping children in Haiti is Heart of God International. They have been able to keep their children safe and disease-free through the generous donations of our readers, the use of the Solar Generator provided by Solutions from Science, and a water filtration system. In fact, during Hurricane Tomas, their compound became a refuge for 50 local people where they were kept safe and given a place to sleep. Through careful planning, they were able to mitigate any diseases, continued to have filtered water, and remained safe. However, the needs are still many as more and more people look to them for help through the calamities besetting this island nation. You can read about their wonderful work and how you can help by clicking here.


  • rush2ady Posted November 12, 2010 12:34 pm

    Waste of time article. Didn’t care for the sarcastic point of view it was written from.

    • treehealer Posted November 13, 2010 8:55 am

      Lighten UP!!! You people need to enjoy the day, go out and find something to appreciate, enjoy and be happy for. The world waxes worse and worse but ye shall not be so…for the kingdom of (YHWH) God IS AT HAND!

  • tony48853 Posted November 12, 2010 12:44 pm

    It wasn’t sarcasm so much as tongue in cheek or, as the tag implies, satire. May not be your cup of tea but if it gets people curious enough to click the link and read through perhaps they’ll have Haiti on their mind and click the link to help.

  • Carmac Posted November 12, 2010 1:11 pm

    I can understand why some people wouldn’t like this article. However, I do. I enjoy sarcasm. I have been known to use sarcasm and even humor when faced with a stressful situation. Humor tends to lighten the mood for a moment and allow the brain to function more efficiently. Sometimes through humor, new ways of coping and surviving may appear.

    That being said, thank you for this article and keeping Haiti in the minds of people. Sometimes we get so focused on our own preparation, we forget those who have nothing and have suffered so much. So donate while you still can, because the day may come when you might be able to; when you’re concentrating on your own survivial. We are still blessed in the country.

    • b robbins Posted November 13, 2010 1:13 pm

      I loved this article! The reasons that France gave in declining the offer were priceless. Thanks for a well-written tongue-in-cheek satire!

  • lovinglife Posted November 12, 2010 1:12 pm

    I think it is very witty. Hard not to chuckle. But, it “naturally” isn’t very funny. I hope this is their last go for a while and am thankful for those who have been able to step in with aid and help.

  • CJHames Posted November 12, 2010 1:26 pm

    I, too, love a good sarcastic column, but I couldn’t come close to laughing while reading this. While it was cleverly and skillfully written, it was done in poor taste. Poor Haiti has had enough. Perhaps a simple “please help this great organization” would have been a better choice.

    That being said, the author does stand a chance at writing for The Onion.

    • Airman53e Posted November 15, 2010 5:58 pm

      I agree with CJ, I too use sarcasism and humor, but this was certainly done in poor taste and results in a waste of my time.

  • Leland Ronzheimer Posted November 12, 2010 2:08 pm

    At first I thought it was a Coast to Coast Program with Art Bell or George Noory. Very good use of the situation at hand, to remind people of those in Hati and their need of help.
    Thank You for this witty use of the printed media.
    Lee WB9OKM

  • sharon77 Posted November 12, 2010 2:21 pm

    I have to say that my mind was going “What? How you can you opt out of a hurricane?” (I tend to be a cursory reader which is why it took me a while to realize just what was going on). The HAARP part unfortunately is probably more true than any of us realize. It wasn’t until I got to the italicized part that I realized this was not actual reportage but tongue in cheek. It was clever and it was helpful to see the item about the Heart of God organization that is working diligently to provide aid and comfort to the still suffering people of this beleaguered island. Perhaps it was a creative way to remind us that these beautiful people still need our assistance and our prayers.

  • draper Posted November 12, 2010 2:22 pm

    “Even if Haiti finds a suitable replacement, the logistics are extremely difficult. A good hurricane is an art form.”

    I laughed out loud at this line, a very funny article. It gets the message out there, that is what counts. I did not take this article as “making fun” of Haiti’s situation at all. I would love to see more content along this line in the future. Thanks for sharing, I love this website!

  • j.pshenkel Posted November 12, 2010 3:15 pm

    I didn’t apprieciate the article either, Rush2ady. Just put a DONATE button on a page with pictures of devastation. I got a catelog in the mail today for donations to children in need. “Give a goat + 2 chickens, it’ll be the best $100 you’ve ever spent.” I’ve never seen anything like it, but I didn’t waste 15 minutes trying to figure out what they wanted. Sales pitch after sales pitch! Could someone send me some money?! Sheesh!

  • nana2many Posted November 12, 2010 3:49 pm

    I love the way this article has drawn attention to the real problem. Sadly, so many have simply forgotten about the devastation the Haitians have suffered this year alone. Elections. Global Warming. Health Care Reform. You name it! It’s all replaced real human needs in the headlines. And, shame on us for allowing ourselves to get distracted.

    I truly appreciate this “knee-jerk” approach to bringing us to the place of remembering those who live not so far away who have suffered so much this year. Although my first reaction was, “WHAT???” the article had me hooked and I had to continue reading. It was a clever way of the author to draw in people who have been forgotten the human suffering and neglect to think what they can do about it.

    Also, if this organization warrants the thought and provocation to have “Off the Grid News” write about them in such an unusual way, they must be worth a second look. I checked them out. I’d rather send my money to folks who I know will use 100% of what I send to help the Haitians rather than siphoning off 15% or more for high-paid administrative salaries and overhead. There should be more like them out there!

    Great article! Great way to draw attention to the cause!

  • KittyF Posted November 12, 2010 4:08 pm

    No it was very much more effective than a simple please help newsletter, and I really appreciated the thought and wit put into it. thanks, Kitty

  • John Hoben Posted December 11, 2010 3:05 pm

    Knowing first hand the impact Solutions from Science’s solar generator has had as a life saver for those at our mission in Haiti, I say “bravo” to Bill for his unique satirical approach to raising awareness!

    For those of you offended by wasting several minutes of your time, please scroll to the bottom of the page next time and click directly on the donate button knowing your dollars go directly to care for God’s children in this devastated land, all to His glory alone.

  • John Hoben Posted December 11, 2010 3:08 pm

    P.S. Please be sure to look at the logo and tag line at the top of the page warning you to “prepare to laugh” so you’ll be ready for Bill’s article in this section next time (for those of you offended by wasting your time reading!)

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